What’s in a Name: History of Bad Parties

movin-out

 
First: welcome to my new blog domain! This is essentially the blog “Mados” in a new neighbourhood.

I’m have moved from WordPress.com to this my own domain because:

  • I wanted freer hands to play with the layout and features
  • and get rid of the annoying ads
  • be allowed to use cool plug-ins that are disallowed on WordPress.com
  • be more in control of traffic from search engines, selectively blocking search engines from some posts but not others

It also runs much smoother and faster now, at least for me, but I didn’t know it would…

Those were the rational reasons. The heavier weighing reasons are emotional and harder to explain, but they work. I wanted to feel that my blog is my place, my own estate on the Internet.

Most importantly, I wanted a name that means something: which conveys the essence of what my blog is about.

 
What’s in a name: History of bad Parties

I have renamed my blog after the post History of Bad Parties, because I feel that post is a bit like an intersection that touches some of the core aspects of my life and the blog, such as:

There is more to this blog of course, but if there is a core essence inside it, then that is it.

I also like the name because I find it slightly comical (it is almost taboo for a human to have a history of failing at parties, so it sounds like a joke).

I like the word “History”: it sounds stable, relatable and familiar. It reminds of “story”, which is one of my favourite words – the way it sounds, its meaning (related to both history and imagination), and my personal memories with it.

I also like the name’s negative tone: it sounds honest and unpretentious.

During the process of going through the old posts to update the internal links to the new domain, I was struck by the relentless positivity – the constantly wanting to fix the present by trying to control the future with plans – the planning of plans, the compulsive fix it-mode that characterises much of my blog writing. I’m like a personal strategies Energizer Bunny: always coming up with new systems, new justifications, new ways to try to systematise my life into a better future.

 
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bunny-cartoon

 

Right now I’m sick of that. I look at my deeply ingrown imaginary obligations to always think positive, be constructive, fix my life, and I just want to turn away and abandon that annoying person that is apparently me, like one wants to close the door in the face of an annoying sales person.

2014 has been a shocking and destabilising year in many ways*, and when I try to be positive and think in solutions, all I feel is dread and lack of motivation to try to succeed. Constructive plans and wanna-be solutions look like a tall card houses to me; I’m sure they will fall, and I don’t care for their utility, their visions, their future-orientation. I am here. The future tends to have unrealistic expectations.

I will still use the blog to make, implement and journal plans. After all, this whole new blog domain thing is in itself a new plan! But for the time being I’m letting all the card houses fall that can’t stand on their own. My blog is currently a tool for coming to terms with my present and near history, more than for trying to improve the future.

My life doesn’t really seem like a story right now, more like chaotic piles of fragments, ruins and partly built, partly already eroded new constructions, build on a swamp. My systems keep me up, keep me going, which means that I’m surviving, but my systems won’t fix the fundament.

 
ruins_of_petersburg_r-r-_bridge_richmond_va-_april_1865_-_nara_-_528974-wikimedia-commons-e1411381017859

 
[Missing: optimistic phrase to round off the post on a positive note]

 

* There are more chapters in the history of shocks & losses in 2014 than what I have written about in Breaking the Silence so far.

 

Illustrations from Wikimedia (Public Domain) and Pixabay (Public Domain)
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